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Def_Starr

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Def_Starr

anyone find it hard sometimes on a day to day basis to get up and get out and do something, is it summertime depression and boredom? especially since I live in FL and its straight up hot and everything involves $ to do anything.

I also do not enjoy my work, its easy for anyone to say "QUIT AND FIND A NEW ONE" , yeah right buddy! finding a new line of work or same job structure would take prob weeks, months and with my depression and anxiety who knows how long it will take to find a new job if I was to ever lose my current job , so far I am on x@n@x for anxiety and Lexapro for GAD, which helps the compulsive thinking.

I think the doctor tried to throw the Lexapro in there cause she probably felt the depression in me but worded it a different way, I was shocked when she put me on it but she was right to do so cause I did have some depression going on but Lexapro did nab some of it in the butt not all of it, not like the moments like this sitting alone with no one to grow old with, not motivated to go out on a Sunday and do something fun even if I in my mind already assumed its going to be boring and hot, and been there done that attitude.

Now I supplement with klonopin, to help with my reduce intake of x@x@x, but truthfully I don't know if I am doing better or worse mentally ? :( just don't find any satisfaction in life . bills and work, BILLS AND WORK!

 

:(

 

just venting I guess

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ElectroNymph

Life? Life is essentially meaningless in the grand scheme of things - our solar system gone, eventually every  planet, sun, red dwarf gone - but enjoy it while you can. ;)

"Life has no meaning the moment you lose the illusion of being eternal." Jean-Paul Sartre. 
 

Edited by ElectroNymph
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ElectroNymph
39 minutes ago, PTFC said:

Hey @Def_Starr, theres nothing stopping you from looking for another job, get the wheels in motion at least! Until then, you got to throw in some playtime, maybe your just in a trough just now, hit that peak again!!!

Exactly. After a long time with mental illness I have connected with a specialist agency about getting back into work. Things can get better. :)

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ElectroNymph
3 hours ago, aintnouse said:

@Def_Starr  I know exactly what you are talking about.  I live not far from you and it is freaking hot.  I usually enjoy the summer but this year it is sucking the life out of me. Up until about 2 months ago I loved my job but this summer has been the worst for me as far as $$ go so I am suffering the summertime blues.  I tend to think these depression cycles are cyclical and they usually pass (for me), but I know everyone is different.   

I guess what I am saying is you arent alone....Life is a drag sometimes....

@ElectroNymph summed it up beautifully in the post above mine.  

There was a band in the early 90's called the Godfathers and they had a song that called "Birth, School, Work, Death".  I kinda think that is how it is sometimes.  I just look for little moments of joy here and there.  I have come to the conclusion that life is about little victories.  I just want a couple a day and I be somewhat satisfied.   I also like to go outside in the evening and look at the stars, or bats or try to find the owls.   For some reason nature takes some of the doldrums away for me. If possible get a pet. I have a boxer doggie and she is kinda my best friend.  Always happy to see you no matter what....its nice to lay around in the evening with a friend that always listens to me and just wants her ears or belly rubbed. 

I hope you can figure out your employment situation....that has got to be a major buzzkill for you. 

 

Thanks. *Blushes* :)

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Back2Good

I was just about to post elsewhere about my absence today, I had a fairly serious episode with my breathing (these episodes are common to my condition, they don't occur often in the beginning, but as more and more pulmonary arterioles and capillaries become narrowed, blocked or destroyed, it makes it harder for blood to flow through your lungs, and raises pressure within your lungs' arteries. As the pressure builds, your heart's lower right chamber (right ventricle) must work harder to pump blood through your lungs, eventually causing your heart muscle to weaken and fail), the ambulance and EMTs were involved, and a short trip to the emergency room ensued to spend some time on "the breather" (which I always think of as "the iron lung").

So yeah, that sounds grim, but I was diagnosed with this form of pulmonary hypertension a couple of years ago, so I've become rather stoic about it.  Knowing that one is gong to meet one's maker much sooner than anticipated grants one a sort of freedom...After long, hard consideration regarding the account of myself I'll have to make, I'm comfortable the discussion won't be so bad (I'm a sinner, but not that bad a sinner), and looking back at the 61 years of life I've been granted to date, I count many, many more good ones than bad ones - Interestingly enough, some of the times I thought were the most desperate and bad, in retrospect shine as triumphs of the will, collection of my wits at the very moment losing control of them would have made disaster inevitable...And there are a fair number of those times to look back with pride on.

There certainly are times when life seems like a giant rotation of bills and work that one can't extract oneself from...Imagine, I'm working a second career now in order to try and reach age 67, when I can draw 100% of my social security - And I'm not even doing it for myself, as my meeting with my maker may come before I reach that age, but for my wife, who deserves to live a long, comfortable life, full of travel and whatever else she'd like to fill it with.  Were I not of the opinion that I could not have accomplished all of the things I wanted to during my first career (save one - I really, really wanted that Colonel's silver eagle before retirement, but I knew full well that having chosen the field of endeavor I did, a Colonelcy was a very small brass ring to grab for, so no blame can attach itself to her for that), I'd put in my papers now, accept a MUCH lower payout than I'm due, and spend the days I have left investigating inconsistencies in military history, visiting battlegrounds to see the lay of the land and imagine it as it was on the day of the fight, just to get a mental picture of what the respective commanders had to work with given the ground they chose (or were forced by circumstance) to fight from...And of course imagining what a few small commando units such as Roger's Rangers or Merrill's Marauders could have contributed to the outcome of the fight.

But we don't get that choice, and whatever the cosmic reasoning is for our not getting it can be maddening, I know.  It took me two years to stop railing at the heavens when I was diagnosed, and I still haven't come to accept it, I've merely become stoic about it.  You have so much more time left to you, and so many opportunities to work on changing the things you don't like about your life, plus never forget, there is beauty around you everywhere if you attune your senses to see it - That, in and of itself, is a kind of respite that can prevent despair.

They key is to never give up.  Every little incremental change you try could have a positive effect, and giving up ends in only one manner.  Take joy where you can find it, accept pain when you can't avoid it, and in between, seek your point of equilibrium.  I asked my son (our oldest child) once if he was happy, and he replied matter-of-factually, "Sometimes I'm happy and sometimes I'm sad, most of the time I  just *am*."

Wisdom from the mouths of babes.

Hang in there my friend, and if there's anything I can offer in the way of advice, feel free to ask.

Best regards,

-b2g

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ElectroNymph

@Smoka90 Try Remploy, they are really helpful and the jobs can be £18k+. They support people with disabilities and mental health problems. They even pay for your public transport when you find work. It took me a while to summon up the courage to just say "Come on, just do it".

7 hours ago, Back2Good said:

I was just about to post elsewhere about my absence today, I had a fairly serious episode with my breathing (these episodes are common to my condition, they don't occur often in the beginning, but as more and more pulmonary arterioles and capillaries become narrowed, blocked or destroyed, it makes it harder for blood to flow through your lungs, and raises pressure within your lungs' arteries. As the pressure builds, your heart's lower right chamber (right ventricle) must work harder to pump blood through your lungs, eventually causing your heart muscle to weaken and fail), the ambulance and EMTs were involved, and a short trip to the emergency room ensued to spend some time on "the breather" (which I always think of as "the iron lung").

So yeah, that sounds grim, but I was diagnosed with this form of pulmonary hypertension a couple of years ago, so I've become rather stoic about it.  Knowing that one is gong to meet one's maker much sooner than anticipated grants one a sort of freedom...After long, hard consideration regarding the account of myself I'll have to make, I'm comfortable the discussion won't be so bad (I'm a sinner, but not that bad a sinner), and looking back at the 61 years of life I've been granted to date, I count many, many more good ones than bad ones - Interestingly enough, some of the times I thought were the most desperate and bad, in retrospect shine as triumphs of the will, collection of my wits at the very moment losing control of them would have made disaster inevitable...And there are a fair number of those times to look back with pride on.

There certainly are times when life seems like a giant rotation of bills and work that one can't extract oneself from...Imagine, I'm working a second career now in order to try and reach age 67, when I can draw 100% of my social security - And I'm not even doing it for myself, as my meeting with my maker may come before I reach that age, but for my wife, who deserves to live a long, comfortable life, full of travel and whatever else she'd like to fill it with.  Were I not of the opinion that I could not have accomplished all of the things I wanted to during my first career (save one - I really, really wanted that Colonel's silver eagle before retirement, but I knew full well that having chosen the field of endeavor I did, a Colonelcy was a very small brass ring to grab for, so no blame can attach itself to her for that), I'd put in my papers now, accept a MUCH lower payout than I'm due, and spend the days I have left investigating inconsistencies in military history, visiting battlegrounds to see the lay of the land and imagine it as it was on the day of the fight, just to get a mental picture of what the respective commanders had to work with given the ground they chose (or were forced by circumstance) to fight from...And of course imagining what a few small commando units such as Roger's Rangers or Merrill's Marauders could have contributed to the outcome of the fight.

But we don't get that choice, and whatever the cosmic reasoning is for our not getting it can be maddening, I know.  It took me two years to stop railing at the heavens when I was diagnosed, and I still haven't come to accept it, I've merely become stoic about it.  You have so much more time left to you, and so many opportunities to work on changing the things you don't like about your life, plus never forget, there is beauty around you everywhere if you attune your senses to see it - That, in and of itself, is a kind of respite that can prevent despair.

They key is to never give up.  Every little incremental change you try could have a positive effect, and giving up ends in only one manner.  Take joy where you can find it, accept pain when you can't avoid it, and in between, seek your point of equilibrium.  I asked my son (our oldest child) once if he was happy, and he replied matter-of-factually, "Sometimes I'm happy and sometimes I'm sad, most of the time I  just *am*."

Wisdom from the mouths of babes.

Hang in there my friend, and if there's anything I can offer in the way of advice, feel free to ask.

Best regards,

-b2g

61 is really not old these days. My Mum did a degree and Master's in her 50's and now at 64 she works from home as a French translator. 

If you have an illness, that's different, but there's nothing to stop you from achieving something, no matter how small. x

Edited by ElectroNymph

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Back2Good

@ElectroNymph - I have an illness (pulmonary hypertension) that is 100% fatal.  Pulmonary arterioles and capillaries are becoming narrowed, blocked or destroyed on a daily basis. This makes it harder for blood to flow through my lungs, and raises pressure within my lungs' arteries. As the pressure builds, the heart's lower right chamber (right ventricle) has to work harder to pump blood through my lungs, eventually causing the  heart muscle to weaken and fail.  That already happened once, it was unpleasant.

It was a late diagnosis - The cardiac specialists in Macon only found it when I actually had a heart attack almost three years ago now, and were puzzled to find no significant plaque buildup or other blockage in the coronary arteries...Which kicked them into Sherlock Homes mode "Hm, the blockage must be somewhere, we've but to find it" - And when they found it in the small pulmonary arterioles and capillaries within my lungs, and noted how many were already blocked to the point of destruction, then added 2 + 2 - Quickly progressing pulmonary hypertension + roughly 18-20% dead muscle tissue in the right ventricle, they closed me up, left me 3-4 days to recover from the surgery, then gave me "the talk".

I've achieved quite a lot, most of it before I turned 50.  The only achievement left to me that means anything is doing everything in my power to live six more years - Long enough to qualify to collect 100% of my Social Security, which, combined with my army pension and healthcare benefits, my VA disability check, and however much I can put into the 401K till at my current employer's, along with the life insurance policies I've purchased as the years have gone by.  That will give my wife the means to continue to live in our home and pay the bills, live a full and happy life of her own, and sufficient income to help out the kids / grand-kids when they need it.

But "doing everything in my power" is, in the end, only weighting the dice a little, it's still a craps shoot as to when I'll find myself facing Saint Peter (and as I mentioned, I'm prepared to account for myself at that point). The hell of this nasty little illness is that there is absolutely no question I'm dying - The only question is when, and no Doctor can answer that question.

I agree with you, under normal circumstances 61 is not all that "old", it's more like "advanced middle age".  It's unfortunate (for me, at least), that I haven't been dealt normal circumstances - but we work with what we're given.

And now we've turned this into a thread about me, hijacking our friend @Def_Starr's venting!  My apologies Def - I've said my piece here and will let others weigh in.  I do wish you the very best, and hope you find a way, any way to change your circumstances as soon as possible.

V/R

- b2g

Edited by Back2Good
Missed a closing parenthesis - I hate it when that happens!
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Def_Starr

its like i wait for the weekends to get anything social

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PTFC
3 minutes ago, Def_Starr said:

its like i wait for the weekends to get anything socialI

3 minutes ago, Def_Starr said:

its like i wait for the weekends to get anything social

If you work mon-fri @Def_Starr, that's the deal unfortunately!  The bright side is that you don't have to work the weekend! ☺ 

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aintnouse

@Def_Starr I am not sure if you have any hobbies or things you like to do.....I love going to concerts and I usually get to a couple a year but I haven't gone this year cuz my business has been slow.....I try to plan them out a couple months ahead so I have something to look forward to and the excitement and anticipation builds.    Maybe you can try to plan something down the road....and give yourself something to look forward to.....

I know its hard when its 100 degrees out and the humidity is high but give it a whirl and see what happens.....

Something else I try to do as well but I usually forget....Take a quiet moment of reflection and think about what you have accomplished, the good friends you have and the little things that make you happy.   I find when I do that, there are a lot of things I am happy about, I just don't realize it until I deliberately contemplate them.

Best of luck and I hope things look up for you....

 

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ElectroNymph
11 hours ago, Back2Good said:

I was just about to post elsewhere about my absence today, I had a fairly serious episode with my breathing (these episodes are common to my condition, they don't occur often in the beginning, but as more and more pulmonary arterioles and capillaries become narrowed, blocked or destroyed, it makes it harder for blood to flow through your lungs, and raises pressure within your lungs' arteries. As the pressure builds, your heart's lower right chamber (right ventricle) must work harder to pump blood through your lungs, eventually causing your heart muscle to weaken and fail), the ambulance and EMTs were involved, and a short trip to the emergency room ensued to spend some time on "the breather" (which I always think of as "the iron lung").

So yeah, that sounds grim, but I was diagnosed with this form of pulmonary hypertension a couple of years ago, so I've become rather stoic about it.  Knowing that one is gong to meet one's maker much sooner than anticipated grants one a sort of freedom...After long, hard consideration regarding the account of myself I'll have to make, I'm comfortable the discussion won't be so bad (I'm a sinner, but not that bad a sinner), and looking back at the 61 years of life I've been granted to date, I count many, many more good ones than bad ones - Interestingly enough, some of the times I thought were the most desperate and bad, in retrospect shine as triumphs of the will, collection of my wits at the very moment losing control of them would have made disaster inevitable...And there are a fair number of those times to look back with pride on.

There certainly are times when life seems like a giant rotation of bills and work that one can't extract oneself from...Imagine, I'm working a second career now in order to try and reach age 67, when I can draw 100% of my social security - And I'm not even doing it for myself, as my meeting with my maker may come before I reach that age, but for my wife, who deserves to live a long, comfortable life, full of travel and whatever else she'd like to fill it with.  Were I not of the opinion that I could not have accomplished all of the things I wanted to during my first career (save one - I really, really wanted that Colonel's silver eagle before retirement, but I knew full well that having chosen the field of endeavor I did, a Colonelcy was a very small brass ring to grab for, so no blame can attach itself to her for that), I'd put in my papers now, accept a MUCH lower payout than I'm due, and spend the days I have left investigating inconsistencies in military history, visiting battlegrounds to see the lay of the land and imagine it as it was on the day of the fight, just to get a mental picture of what the respective commanders had to work with given the ground they chose (or were forced by circumstance) to fight from...And of course imagining what a few small commando units such as Roger's Rangers or Merrill's Marauders could have contributed to the outcome of the fight.

But we don't get that choice, and whatever the cosmic reasoning is for our not getting it can be maddening, I know.  It took me two years to stop railing at the heavens when I was diagnosed, and I still haven't come to accept it, I've merely become stoic about it.  You have so much more time left to you, and so many opportunities to work on changing the things you don't like about your life, plus never forget, there is beauty around you everywhere if you attune your senses to see it - That, in and of itself, is a kind of respite that can prevent despair.

They key is to never give up.  Every little incremental change you try could have a positive effect, and giving up ends in only one manner.  Take joy where you can find it, accept pain when you can't avoid it, and in between, seek your point of equilibrium.  I asked my son (our oldest child) once if he was happy, and he replied matter-of-factually, "Sometimes I'm happy and sometimes I'm sad, most of the time I  just *am*."

Wisdom from the mouths of babes.

Hang in there my friend, and if there's anything I can offer in the way of advice, feel free to ask.

Best regards,

-b2g

Oh dear, I'm very sorry. I hope you get your wish. 

Also hope things improve for you @Def_Starr@Defected 

I don't know who Defected is. Phone/me error.

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