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Forever life of an addict


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Hello all, 

Hope your all very well! 

Although I've managed the last 4 months only to be on my needed substances (severe depression, pain, anxiety and severe lack of Dopamine production). I take stims (Adderall, Ritalin, high quality meth rarely though), opiates (hydr0, m0rph1ne, DHC, c0deine, tapentadol like it's going out of style, 0xy, poppy seed tea(super rarely because it's a wd you don't want to have) & rarely now benz0s when I don't have the others. I try taking breaks of each after 4 days use (I rotate between stims, opis, benzo's basically) & it's still so expensive, 60% of my income goes to that. Although luckily i have managed to avoid physical wd's & only have few days of debilitating depression(which is so nice compared to having it everyday). Before that I'd been addicted to those on a regular basis for 13 years and have kicked wd's more times than I can count, but can't do it again. Sucks that no matter the amount of times I've gone clean from clinics, rehabs etc. My brain will not let me just be a human or live without those. I've accepted that and proud of finally only taking each category 3-4 days with small breaks and rotations VS taking all at once &/or sticking to one for 6 months ending up with huge tolerances (120mg 0xy vs 20mg at beginning, 150mg Addy vs 30mg, 6mg klonopin vs 2mg, 4mg xan vs 1mg etc for the same effect and those mgs are daily use example) for 4 months now I've stuck to the lowest of those numbers with no tolerance build up or physical wd's when I didn't have money for any of those for a week. 

Sucks to have a brain like this, but it is what it is. I felt depressed from the age of 7 and unfortunately drugs have saved my life. & that's with all the hell I went through and the 100s of thousands I've wasted over 13 years. & I have never had a savings. Unfortunately I started it when I was 16 years old. I've been successful in career and live paycheck to paycheck. Yet I've created software used by fortune 500 companies while being a pure and all the way through a mega addict. I've accepted my life evolves around taking different substances to be able to be the husband, brother, son and employee I need to be. Severe depression will make me bed bound and suicidal. I'm not when I'm on different substances, it's just so weird. Some weeks I get 25k lines of functioniong automation coding done and take care of my homely responsibilities, but only if I'm this super addict. 

Tldr: I take all different drugs to be a human in this world/life. My most proud self control has been last 4 months of sticking with lowest dose of all my drugs and small breaks with rotation of opi, stims, benzo's 3-4 days at a time. 

 

Friendly regards, 

Jiub 

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