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Any advice would be helpful. I'm frightened


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chchtwo

That really sucks.  It is not responsible to cut people off from benzos that are addicted.  I remember similar issues.  I feel ya bro.  Ask your psych about a tranxene taper.  If they are willing to do it, take the opportunity, because that's what it is.   Be honest with them about the situation.  Start talking to doc about trying alternatives/combos/etc (you are going to have to find alternative long term treatments.  In the end, I was fighting the system for a solution and I was to the point I wouldn't/couldn't give up, and there IS a lot of unnecessary pushback.  If it gets worse, then just start hitting ER's with I'm addicted to benzos, what can I do to get help.  If that doesn't work, then add in that it's gotten bad enough, you are afraid something bad is going to happen.

Hang in there.  Keep fighting.  Get mad that you are not getting the care you need!

You will soon look back on this, relieved you got out.  

Thoughts and prayers,

chctwo

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Handsley
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That is one thing I don't mess around with is making sure I get benzos in my system.  I try my best not to go up in dosage and keep at the same level and try to take less if I can.  I just quit my job and got another because the anxiety was causing me to go up and up in dosage and I was so unhappy.  I know you said you can't take antipsychotics, but I tried some Seroquel, which sort of/kind of works if I have to go down in dosage and sleep.  But if my sleep is all messed up and I forget to take the benzo, you better believe within 24 hrs, I get the leg cramps and screaming in pain.  I've CT'd them twice when I was younger, but no longer feel that is safe.  I had the same symptoms you described, but did not know how dangerous that was.  One night screaming in the hospital and I was out of there thinking I can do this at home.  That was many years ago and would not try it again.  I was watching a TV news show and came across a story about liquid taper.  there's a You Tube video called use water to titrate your benzo.  It's a much slower taper than trying to cut pills.  I know I can cut 1/2 a pill and still have leg cramps.  with this method, you microdose the benzo  in water and it takes a very long time, but I've heard more than a few success stories.  Try to get blister packs or benzos in sealed bottles.  Most now are pressed, but still work.  Taking Etiz is also a good idea although I've never had to do it.  You just don't know what you are getting for sure.  I would like to taper my dose, but not come off completely.  Going to a much less anxious lifestyle has helped a lot.  Some people can't do that.  It got to the point where I was just screaming with hysteria in my basement  or my car because I was too overwhelmed with work and needed more and more benzos to help.  Now that I've changed a few things in my life, a benzo is not the first thing I go to.  I may not be able to keep my current lifestyle or even my house, but what's the point if you are so unhappy and working all the time with no time for fun and forum friends?   I know a lot of times we can't turn down the things that make us anxious and are cornered.  It took me 3 years to get enough courage to leave this job and I even had a planned 6 month exit plan, but one day just resigned.  If there's anything at all that you can cut down in your life that causes this need, do it!  Lucy helps me, too, tame the beast.   I might even react with a crying fit from it, but it's the kind that releases the anxiety and I do feel like it's a different kind of emotional release, the kind that helps the anxiety instead of bottles it until I explode and can't manage.  Many good wishes for you and I hope you find some answers.  For now my motto is no matter what, never run out and don't go up.  I don't know if that will ever change. 

 

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danny71
On 2/26/2020 at 7:16 PM, Handsley said:

 

Oh I agree with the never run out and never go up. When I went into a coma, up to a Catatonic state (this was 5 days in the hospital an 6 here at home with no benzos). The Doctor still refused to give me any benzos. After 11 days my own mother was sneaking me benzos along with kpins and Ativan from the rest of the family. The Doctor still did not believe that benzo withdrawal could almost kill me. After 11 days he pronounced I did not need anymore b/c it had been so long! Not once did they send a psychiatrist to an evaluation on me. The ones recommending me to try antipsychotics, I am grateful for your help but The Tardive Dyskinesia I got from 3 doses was terrifying. It can range to minor mouth ticks to what I had, which was full blown, tongue thrusting out of my mouth, unable to swallow, extreme pain. I scared my Doctor who went  running to his PDR to find out what to give me. I had 3 of these episodes, each as painful as the next, my Doctor gave the proper treatment then promptly kicked me out of the hospital, saying my case was to difficult for this small town hospital. On that we agreed So he called local large hospitals, 3 to be exact, all unwilling to help me because I had no insurance. So I was left on a curb with my bags.

This taught me that that I as a human being was no where near as important as insurance and pharmaceutical companies. If something happens to me from lack of care there would not be an Attorney. If I could survive, not live, survive on 3 kpins a day. I could afford insurance from the ACA if Trump does not kill it first. He has no backup up plan either. I want medicare for all. But it looks like Biden will be my nominee, no one wants to riska Bernie/Trump ticket but maybe Bernie can still come up with a good plan and if we get all the party before Country Senators out, things will change in the health care field will start to change. I am will to move to Canada if my husband can find a proper job there. He is a skilled blue collar worker but How do you look for jobs in another Country? Suggestions?

Again, thanks so much for all your help and suggestions, it just that after 30 years of this stuff I have tried all, herbs, benzos, antidepressants (those I can afford) and antipsychotics available to me. Im done with searching. I am only as important as my healthcare insurance. Do you guys think healthcare treatmentment is better in a Blue state? Just asking until We can find something in one of these "evil" socialist Countries.

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chchtwo
Posted (edited)

@danny71

Wow, thanks for posting this.  I feel for you big time.  Unimaginable pain in your mind and probable issues with your body at this point in the process.  You just want to get out of the xanax cycle of death and try to get back to normal and rejoin life.  Forever!  Voila, you are back in life with the 300 pound gorilla off your back.

My experience is that the key to all of this is when the pain is assaulting your very being means more to you than continuing (you know the answer to that) down this crazy path.  There is absolutely no reason to have any negative thoughts about this.  This can only be positive, especially for yourself.   I can truly tell you that it is not difficult.  It was freaking easy (for me) Compared to the pain and suffering.  The synopsis of what happens when you walk through the door:

>Going through registration (unless you preregister, if that is a thing) - No big deal

>Go through processes for medical and safety:    Weigh you, take blood, take temp, blood pressure, drug test (results don't have any consequence, other than the doctor has to know exactly what he is dealing with, to decide his action, and form a treatment plan). 

>Put fancy uniform on:       No big deal.  You are just as much in a regular hospital at this point (and you will feel kind of like that is a good thing).  The uniform is not revealing or anything.

>Treatment:     I think sleep is a big part of the Xanax experience, especially sleeping while in withdrawal.  The doctors give the treatment plan to nurses.  The nurses ensure you get your medicine.  The goals here are to get you off of Xanax in a way that does not affect you in any negative way, and to try to get you to sleep one night or two.  They used Tranxene (for the Xanax part and yes, it is a benzo) and Trazodone (for sleep-they try to get you on something as safe as possible that works for you, preferably something non-addictive, no tolerance issues, safe to take long-term).  If you run into obstacles during that, the doctor will help you with something else.  I always say great things about these particular medications, but they are the specific combination that worked for me personally, there are other combinations that could work for you.  I slept maybe 2 hours the first night.  Been there, no prob.  Make it through the next day, a little worn out, sleep-wise and not feeling it physically.  I do the schedule, set forth for my section/wing, we have three meals a day, free time with entertainment options, Outside time (free or something they have setup-grass bowling, lol).  There were a couple of short classes every day.  One was there for you and your personal situation and mental well-being; emotions.  The other was for drugs/addiction/physiology.  Both meetings operate kind of life a true live forum.  The people that want to say something get to say their situation/opinion/question for starts.  It could be a topic that is sad to hear some of the others and their issues.  Or it could be positive.  Doesn’t matter.  Everyone is given a chance to respond, but nobody has to.  If no one does respond, that thread is over.  So, another question is asked of somebody and it goes through the same process.  You would have long threads and short threads.  You actually get into some interesting discussions: I think it’s designed so more patients participate and it seems to work.  The second class is more of an intellectual discussion on drugs, the brain, addiction, etc.  A lot of it is physiological in nature.  Here’s what the participation looks like in the first class. Your requirements (personal name, drug that is an issue-or combo, maybe how old, not much more than that; also, you don’t have to say anything at all-that is an option).  There are some that will complain, argue, or not participate at all, especially in the first class.  Those are usually normal and okay, the verbiage/conflict gets real, and the doctor maintains the direction and oversight for any issues needing attention.  So, the things that come out of that meeting (both 1 hour long, maybe a little longer, or a bit shorter, lol), are more educational oriented.  We talked about drug types, specific drugs (ins and outs), and addiction, all of which was broken down to the physiological level.    That is one full day, more or less.  Meanwhile, they are administrating the benzo to very slowly taper it down multiple times a day.  Then, back to sleep.  They adjusted my dosage of trazodone to help me sleep.  That night was still tough (4-5 hours laying there still suffering from the withdrawal).  I ended up getting about 5-6 hours of sleep.  I could notice I was starting to feel better.  I just felt worn out.  So, same daily schedule.  Also, I forgot to mention, since it probably matters to some, we did get scheduled smoke breaks.  The only catch is that you had to have your own, whether you brought them in, or a friend or relative brought them in for you.  Others were allowed out there that were proven smokers, but you weren’t allowed to give it to someone that didn’t have any.  I felt bad.  The hospital would bring in a pack every once in a while and they would give 1 to each person that didn’t have one, then save the rest.  Maybe they might come back the next break, or maybe the next day, and hand out the balance of the pack.  I got lucky I brought some, then I had my wife bring a little more to get me through.  I would give these cigarettes to the people that didn’t have any (away from the cameras and when the guard wasn’t looking) whenever possible.  I got into trouble a few times, but they never did anything.  Moving forward, that night I slept a full night (6-10 hrs).  The grip felt like it was getting slight looser.  I was really in a good mood and I participated heavily in all classes/discussions.  For the free time (I was feeling some energy), I ran around the track the whole time at a brisk pace, having to dodge and weave, sometimes making my own track on the outside of the real track.  It was a full workout.  I was kind of sore already.  That night a slept a full, healthy sleep.  I woke up with even more energy, but leg muscles were really, really sore.  I was happy all around in meals, classes, outside time (this was when I started helping the nurses and the patients).  It felt good to help, some nurses loved it and were thankful, and others would give me goofy looks, like I snuck in some other sort of drug that was making me act that way.  I so was not bothered or concerned.  I felt great after, I think 4 days, and they didn’t know what to do with me or how to act.  So, my appointment that day with the psychiatrist, I had no idea what I was going into, was I getting in trouble, was I just going to have a normal meeting about my progress, no clue, but had a little tickle in my stomach about it.  So, he explains to me that I don’t need to be there, that I should be able to do this at home.  He gives me some advice, insight, and caution.  So, before I left, that’s when I got to say goodbye to all that I had some sort of connection to during my stay.  So, my wife takes me home and I explain the administration thing and what to expect.  She administers for a while, then I do the rest.  The whole things seems completely behind me.  I am so happy.  Less than a week!!  All based on a decision.  There are preconceived notions about taking this route and maybe what other people might think of you (job/friend, etc.).  That’s all garbage.  You have to do it for yourself, no matter what.

It sounds like you still have problems with consistent meds, the doctors you have available and how they view things, financial issues, no insurance, etc.

What if I said I am willing to try to help you get into a facility, despite all of those circumstances.  There are tons or grants, non-profit orgs, special organizations, hospitals, etc. that you can leverage to get the treatment you need.  Sounds like a no brainer to me.  In any case, I hope you are okay and if you are interested, post here or pm me.

Best of luck/Best regards/Hang in there.

chctwo   

PS:  I posted something in the /I admit . . thread yesterday.  It might be worth reading.  Usually with these bad xanax issues, there is more of an overlying/underlying issue, from a psychological perspective.  I talk a little about this in that thread.

 

Think about it!

 

>

 

 

 

 

 

Sleep akes big appearance in the whole equaation) to give you a substitute benzo, Sleep akes big appearance in the whole equaation) to give you a substitute benzo,  not that uncomfortable compared to the last however many year.

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chchtwo

As a matter of fact, I don't think I'm alone in this community in my willingness to help you get what you need.  Many members have been where you are.  Keep that in mind.

Best wishes.

chctwo

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Akup7ich

Hi  @danny71 wow ! Hang in there . I am half way thru the thread but immediately wanted to post my 27 yr old son is going thru similar things . His doc put him on Prozac too .  I don’t know how to help him :( but he has literally almost caught houses on fire several times . Leaves burners on .  Oven on with food I. It . His last roommate sent him packing for awhile . He also has stimulant issues . Some of that was going on as well . 
 

his dads side is trying to help him . He is not ready to help himself . He would take like 5 at a time . But he absolutely has anxiety and PSTD issues as well as addiction . Apples and trees ... 

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danny71
On 4/12/2020 at 12:13 AM, chchtwo said:

As a matter of fact, I don't think I'm alone in this community in my willingness to help you get what you need.  Many members have been where you are.  Keep that in mind.

Best wishes.

chctwo

I can't PM but I have an email I never use.  NOT OK         Mods I hope this os ok.

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Rec

I think it's disgraceful how people have to almost do battle with these fkin doctors these stories similar to my own are very common why why why does it have to be this way and they wonder why there's such a increase in mental health issues in the last ten years or so some of the drugs the docs will scribe are trippy and in mind make matters worse, but cause there not addictive....  Cause that's ok crazy docs ,and I know they probably following gov guidelines but for god's sake. I feel for all no-one should have to get there own meds but we do what we have to do stay happy as possible all 

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chchtwo

I'm really glad that you are making it through this,  Once you get down far enough, there's only way but up.

Best regards,

chchtwo

 

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sweetmelissa589

@Heavenlee Congratulations on 5 years free from [email protected], H, and cok3!!  I'm at 10 years, but with the help of subut3x.  I used H myself, to self medicate my depression, panic attacks, Gad, social anxiety, PTSD and I'm finally feel free from that lifestyle to where an addiction with H causes, but I now also take b3nzos to help with all the anxiety, ect.  I never wanted to start another habit, but I couldn't keep living like a hermit.  My anxiety was so bad that I couldn't even leave my house.  I only went to the sub clinic each month and groceries, if my SO came with me and even those were very hard to do..  I literally had and still have no friends, except through forums and such, no family left and just felt so depressed and alone.  I was at the point to where I found myself thinking suicidal thoughts.  B3nzo's have been a blessing for me and thanks to DBG and @Moda Man I now have my life back.  I have been on benzo's for a little over a year now and I can now leave my house, go out shopping for clothing groceries, ect, rather than online, I can now even say hello to someone and i don't have panic attacks anymore.  I know it's going to be scary when the time comes that I have to get off of them.  I'm scared to stop them, as I don't want to live like a hermit and be scared for the rest of my life.  It seems to me that I'm in a lose/lose situation.  Really, I know it's not good to take them forever, but who wants to live when they're anxious, scared, depressed, paranoid and can't even leave their house, plus no friends, for the rest of their life..  I'm very grateful to have b3nzo's as I have tried every med under the sun to help me and nothing makes me feel better, or normal.  Most actually made me feel worse.   I've tried so many vitamins, supplements and herbs too.. nothing helps enough...   I do meditate too, try to stay in a positive mindset and I am a very spiritual person, but even with all my prayers, begging and even crying for help, I found little relief.  B3nzo's are the only thing I found in my long journey to just try to find some relief.  Relief IS what I found, but I know it won't last forever, so it's a very scary thought for myself,  that I can't stay on them forever and will have to eventually go back to living like a hermit and to having no life at all.   Anyway.. my heart goes out to you  @danny71.  I'm going to follow this thread and I pray that you find your relief.  Just go slow and stay strong! 

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Heavenlee

Awe @sweetmelissa589 you are so sweet! Wow 10 years that's a hell of a milestone. Congratulations!  Thank you for sharing your story. I got clean the old fashion way Jail. I am not a criminal well maybe the state of Ohio thinks I am it was over growing weed. Oh and DUI because I refused the urine test because I had probably drug on the forum in my system.  When I got out and had to do another year of outpatient care I knew I never wanted to go back again. But hell whatever you gets you there. I feel like I am hanging in barely. Thankfully I got the Rivotrol shot but I did abuse zannies. After reading your post by the way I thank you for sharing your story. I do need something for anxiety. I have way too much on my plate. I think my  husband needs to be put in a home. It is exhausting dealing with him I have been staying with my daughter and she is going to Ohio with me to say my goodbyes to my dad. Losing him will kill my soul. My mom abandoned me and my two sisters so he is all I have. So my daughter can keep them for me because my anxiety is through the roof. I have a legal script for  valium but my doctor is detoxing me too quickly.  So I do get extras from Moda And its for sleep not for anxiety. I just need for short term to get me through this before I have a breakdown. I am strong after dealing with my liver problems but there is only so much I can take. I feel like I am living in hell right now. I appreciate you sharing your story and your honesty. It has helped me a lot. I need to give myself a break and use them as prescribed to get me through this. It is so nice to see other members here that are sober or trying to get clean. I actually got a dm from a member asking me why I am on a drug forum if I am trying to get clean! Believe it or not this board and members help me stay clean. 

I really appreciate your help and made a decision to keep because I don't want to end up in a mental hospital from a nervous breakdown I don't think they call it that anymore. But I will give myself a break and keep them. And my daughter is like my sober companion so I will be okay.

Thank you so much you are honestly sweetmelissa!

Love you bunches Hev

 

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JohnKimble

 

@Heavenlee Sent you PM Heavenlee!!  Because, well you know, the world revolves around yours truly ;).  just kidding!  looking for some guidance.

I'm out of pm's for the day.  I need someone who can get some benzos to me by Saturday.

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